My intuition has been telling me lately to "Write a blog post!" "Tell people what you are doing!" I ignored it, and ignored it, and it kept getting louder and louder. “Tell people what you are creating!” “Tell your story!”
At first I resisted. That other voice we all know so well piped in and said, “No one wants to hear your story.” But my intuition has not stopped. My inner voice keeps nagging me to tell my story. So here it is.
In April of 2018 I knew I wasn’t where I was supposed to be. I knew I wasn’t being authentic. I was in a relationship for 9 years with a wonderful man. I belonged to a group of high functioning entrepreneurs, I was traveling and life was good. Yet everything in my being was telling me it was time to leave the relationship.
It was like eat pray love for Dani, only instead of traveling to Bali and seeing some toothless guru I went back to my hometown in Seattle. I knew there would be a bit of a breakdown, but I had no idea to what degree.
Because of my absence and travels my business had been neglected. I had used the income from one business to fund another and it was an epic failure. Even though I had done what people told me I should do, it still failed.
I couldn’t make rent… for months in a row. I bounced payroll checks, too many to remember, on and off for over a year. It wasn’t because the business wasn’t sound; it was because I had overspent. I had been irresponsible. I took a risk, and failed.
I felt very scared and very alone. I felt like a failure and I cried. I felt like I had taken a huge step backwards. Everyday I would go into the office and do the little things I could to try and get out of the hole I had dug for myself. I borrowed money from my brother in law and it was the hardest thing I had ever done. I NEVER needed help. I had always prided myself on doing things on my own and being independent.
And I had a breakdown. Alone. In my apartment. With what seemed like the whole world crashing down around me I sank into depression. There was so much self-doubt, and I had no idea who I was or what to do.
Then one day I felt compelled to join a Facebook group called Find Your Voice. This felt right to me, and my inner guidance told me to engage and put myself out there. So I did. I figured what better time to find your voice than when you’re at rock bottom and you have no idea who you are?
There was one post that I latched onto like a lifeline. One post that made it seem ok to be where I was. That one post went something like this, “ It’s ok to remain unmoving until right action arises.” In other words, it’s ok to wander aimlessly until inspired action calls.
This brought me so much relief, I can’t even tell you. I took solace in it. It gave me permission to do nothing. To stop trying to be good enough, to stop trying to be smart enough, pretty enough, this enough, that enough. To just stop. So I did. I went through the motions of my daily life only now it was slightly different. I wasn’t wallowing, I was waiting. Waiting for right action, inspired action to present itself.
So I went for walks, long walks in nature. I meditated, I wrote poetry, I took dance lessons, and I took plant medicine. I listened to that small voice inside me. And slowly, I began to return to Dani.
I began to see the beauty in nature and the world around me. And in deep meditation I discovered that I have a gift.
My gift is that I see the beauty in others and the world around me. My purpose is to show others the beauty that lies within them. In this meditation I saw that by the light of my own presence, I help others heal and come home to themselves.
I had no idea how this deep knowing would be used. So I wandered aimlessly for a while longer. I felt more at peace than ever in my life. On the outside my life was a shit show, but on the inside I had found some peace.
So I wandered some more. I did mirror work, I worked on my inner child, and I faced myself, all of me. Even the dark parts I never looked at before. I came face to face with my ego and my ego won. And I wrote. I wrote about struggle, self-love, and the nature of reality. I wrote about inner conflict, fear, and what it would be like to be Finally Free of all the bullshit stories we tell ourselves about not being good enough, pretty enough, smart enough, rich enough... the list of bullshit stories goes on.
And the one thing I remembered, and kept coming back to, was that it was ok to remain unmoving until right action arises.
So I did.
Then one day the other nutrition professional at my office said, “Hey. This stuff is really good. We should teach a workshop” So we did. And it felt good. It felt like inspired action. And teaching those workshops showed me how I could show others the beauty that lies within them. I saw it as a way to break down all those lies we tell ourselves about not being good enough. I saw that using our relationship with food could be a vehicle for transformation and self-discovery.
Then she said, you should teach other nutrition professionals how to teach this. So I did. That felt good too. I took two groups of beta testers through the workshops and each time the content evolved. Each time I got to experience collaboration, co-creation, and I got to see and reflect beauty in those around me. By shining the light of my own presence, I got show others who they are.
I sold my wellness center on December 31st to someone who is willing to infuse new life into it. This has been a letting go of an old identity, one that for 25 years suited me well. I find myself now in place without an identity, but with more peace, joy and purpose than I have ever experienced. I find myself once more taking a risk. Yet this time, it doesn’t feel like a risk. It feels like I am where I should be, doing what I am meant to do, by just being me and following that inspired action.
I received a letter recently from the Nutritional Therapy Association awarding Finally Free 24 CEU’s. This is the highest level of CEUs they award as it represents the maximum number graduates need to complete their renewals.
In the award letter it stated, “With every step, you are enabling participants to recognize their resources, tap into their strength, change their mindset, and find those fulfilling alternatives that truly will bring them to a place of being at peace with food and their bodies. I so appreciated that this was not a typical willpower driven, deprivation riddled, scale focused approach and instead helps people connect with their deeper whys and what kind of life they want to live—and then achieve that reality! Your webinar trainings and comprehensive manuals were accessible, clear, and provide a stable platform for participants to be successful teachers of the Finally Free workshop.”
I received a second letter from the National Association of Nutrition Professionals informing me that Finally Free Intuitive Eating and Empowerment Workshops is now approved for 30 CEU’s.
Finally Free Intuitive Eating and Empowerment Workshops is now open for enrollment and we will be teaching our first non-beta Finally Free Instructors starting March 11th.
My heart is soaring. The manuals still need to be formatted, the website still needs to be tweaked, and it is not perfect. Nor will it ever be. That’s not how things work.
If I hadn’t taken that risk, and failed, if I hadn’t followed that voice that said, “You are not being authentic.” I may never have found my gifts. Without that breakdown I may never have come to know the truth of who I am. I may never have discovered that right action is actually the higher self calling us home.
My story is important because sometimes when we feel lost, alone, and totally inept, that is when we can find our deepest truths. When your inner voice tells you that you are not being true to yourself, that authenticity is compromised; it is an opportunity to stop and wander aimlessly for a while until right action calls.
I am a mirror. What you see in me is what exists within you. And what I see in you lies within me. Beyond all our stories of lack and limitation lies our unique and authentic selves just waiting to express, create, laugh, love and come home to the truth of who we are.
I don’t know what the future holds for me, but I know who I am and that is all I need to know. I don’t have to do, be, or achieve anything... except be me, and wait for inspired action to call. I truly feel Finally Free.
If you waited… if you remained unmoving until right action arises… what would you be inspired to do? What would your gifts be?